Spiritual Friendship: Authentic Love
Friendship is neither convenient nor casual. Rather, it is a true union, an authentic love between the two.
This article builds and reflects heavily upon Aelred of Rievaulx’s Spiritual Friendship. For a background on his theology of friendship and some reflections on friendship as a virtue, please consider subscribing and reading our previous article, The Virtue of Friendship: Here Now & Not Yet. If you appreciate this article, you find the upcoming follow-up article of great value.
We took sweet counsel together : and walked in the house of God as friends.
—Psalm 55:15
The Scriptures witness to the virtue of spiritual friendship: a relationship exalted even above the holy bond of matrimony. However, as matrimony has been mocked and defiled, spiritual friendship has been abandoned. This desert of love has caused our most basic relationships to be confused, disordered, and empty. The relationship between members of the same sex, especially between males, has been the most affected. The masculinity crisis, as well as the growing problem of sexual confusion, are expressions of this problem which can only be solved by the authentic and deep love of friendship.
David & Jonathan
The chief example of friendship is between David and Jonathan. In their relationship, we encounter two strong men, wholly devoted to the Lord. However, they are not only simply two men working for the good of the Church but uniquely united to each other. We see the beginning of the friendship as David enters the household of Saul.
As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father’s house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt. And David went out and was successful wherever Saul sent him, so that Saul set him over the men of war. And this was good in the sight of all the people and also in the sight of Saul’s servants.
1 Samuel 18:1–5
The friendship between David and Jonathan is described as not just a joint working or pursuing similiar life goals. Rather, it is the union of souls. The soul of David is knitted, joined and united to, the soul of Jonathan. This imagery mirrors marriage: just as in marriage two become one flesh, in friendship: two become one soul.
This union is expressed in true love, not merely willing the good of the other generally but good will and charity in common life. Jonathan gives his royal vestments to David. When David is called to take the throne, Jonathan does not resist him, even though David is taking what would have been Jonathan’s, had the Lord not taken it away from Saul! Rather, Jonathan works constantly for the good of David as they both seek to follow the Lord together.
Our Lord Jesus Christ
This intimate union is seen in Our Lord himself. Friendship, being the union of souls and hearts, becomes the perfect image for union with Christ. As discussed in the Orthodox Devotion to the Sacred Heart, salvation can be considered simply the uniting of our hearts to Christ’s Most Sacred Heart. Our Lord says,
Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.
—John 15:13–15
It is fitting that Our Lord would describe our salvation is such intimate terms. We are called to love Christ deeply as Jonathan deeply loved David, through great striving, sacrifice, and devotion.
It is important to note that friendship is not a relationship conditioned on transaction or exchange. That is, one does not enter true friendship for the sake of something about the other. Rather, one enters into a true relationship with the other for the sake of the love of the other itself. It is for this reason that Our Lord is not simply a great (or even the greatest) example of friendship. Rather, he is the very model and measure of all friendships, for he has nothing to gain of us (and everything to suffer) and yet enters into friendship with men out of love for them alone. And we can only enter true friendship with him if we love him for his own sake, no matter the cost.
So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.
—Luke 14:33
And because we are called to love him without exception, we give everything to Christ without exception. Jonathan participated in Christ not just by loving David and knitting his heart to him, but also by showing his love by giving gifts, not for what will be received in return (for Jonathan did not know the kindness David would show to his son) but for the sake of the love of the other.
We are, of course, called to love every man. And no true love (even generally) can be based on advantage. However, friendship goes beyond this command. As we have many loves and obligations, there is an order of loves. This is seen even in Our Lord himself. He not only loved his disciples, but even called them friends! However, only one—St. John the Divine—did he call ‘the disciple whom he loved’ (John 19:26), the very one—at the Last Supper—‘whom Jesus loved, was reclining at table at Jesus’ side,’ (John 13:23) whom even St. Peter—the head of the apostles—sought in order to approach Our Lord.
This shows the intimacy of friendship, the degrees of loves we have, friendship being the highest, since it is eternal, for even if the body dies, the soul remains, even united to its true friends (chiefly and centrally, Our Lord).
True Friendship and Its Cheap Copies
Aelred of Rievaulx was an 12th century Anglican Cistercian abbot, living in the midst of the Great Schism. In his work Spiritual Friendship, he describes true friendship (spiritual friendship), as well as two other kinds of relationships—only called friendship by their bare likeness to true friendship—worldly friendships and friendships of pleasure.
Aelred recalls his love of Cicero, who wrote On Friendship. However, in the pursuit of the Christian life, Aelred bemoaned that Cicero did not have the richness of the Scriptures. His work, then, is a reflection upon friendship from the Scriptures and the Fathers: a sort of baptising of Cicero’s work.
Spiritual Friendship
Aelred rightly defines spiritual friendship as:
Friendship is agreement in things human and divine, with good will and charity.
—Spiritual Friendship 1:11
He further explains how friendship is a virtue.
Friendship is that virtue, therefore, through which by a covenant of sweetest love our very spirits are united, and from many are made one (Cicero, Amic 25.92; cf. Cicero, Amic 21.81; cf. Ambrose, Off 3.134; cf. Aelred, Spec car 3.6.39; cf. Bernard, Ep 53.). Hence even the philosophers of this world placed friendship not among the accidents of mortal life but among the virtues that are eternal (Cf. Cicero, Amic 9.32.). Solomon seems to agree with them in this verse from Proverbs: ‘a friend loves always’ (Proverbs 17:17). So he obviously declares that friendship is eternal if it is true, but if it ceases to exist, then although it seemed to exist, it was not true friendship.
Here it becomes clear the high estate of friendship. It is not just an enjoyment or convenience of the other. And it seems to not be immediate. Like other high virtues, we grow into its perfection. For example, Christians have the virtue of charity: love of Christ and neighbour. However, the Christian life is spent moving from an imperfect charity (for we do not perfect love nor perfectly obey God’s law) into greater perfection. In fact, charity (in its fullest and most complete sense) is only truly obtained once we rest in Christ and have been completely sanctified or deified.
In the same way, the virtue of friendship begins at the bond with the other, and it grows as both pursue Christian perfection together, which necessarily involves agreement with each other, if they are both pursuing Christ. And this friendship grows by the entrusting of the heart, that is, the whole self.
Furthermore, a friend is called the guardian of love, or, assome prefer, the guardian of the soul itself (Isidore, Etymologiae 10.4). Why? Because it is proper for my friend to be the guardian of mutual love or of my very soul, that he may in loyal silence protect all the secrets of my spirit and may bear and endure according to his ability anything wicked he sees in my soul. For the friend will rejoice with my soul rejoicing, grieve with it grieving (Romans 12:15), and feel that everything that belongs to a friend belongs to himself (Cf. Acts 4:32).
He makes its practical application and enjoyment even clearer here:
But how happy, how carefree, how joyful you are if you have a friend with whom you may talk as freely as with yourself (Cicero, Amic 6.22), to whom you neither fear to confess any fault nor blush at revealing any spiritual progress, to whom you may entrust all the secrets of your heart and confide all your plans. And what is more delightful than so to unite spirit to spirit and so to make one out of two (Cf. Augustine, Conf 4.6.11; CCSL 27:45; Pine-Coffin, Confessions, 78; Ambrose, Off 3.131)?
The intimate image of friendship, seen in the biblical accounts, is likewise seen here. And this friendship is not merely mental be truly enjoyed in the whole person, expressed even in the body. Because of this, and due to Aelred’s deeply scriptural focus, he teaches on even the meaning of the holy kiss in the Scriptures and how it applies to spiritual friendship.
In a kiss, therefore, two spirits meet, blend, and unite. Begotten from these two spirits, a sweetness of mind awakens and engages the affection of those who exchange a kiss (Cf. William of Saint Thierry, Cant 30–31; cf. William of Saint Thierry, Med 8.5). So there exist physical kisses, spiritual kisses, and intellectual kisses. The physical kiss is made with the imprint of the lips, the spiritual kiss with the joining of spirits, and the intellectual kiss with the infusion of grace by the spirit of God. The physical kiss should be offered or accepted only for fixed and honest reasons. Here are some examples: as a sign of reconciliation, when those whohave previously been mutual enemies become friends (Cf. Luke 23:12.); as a sign of peace, when those about to communicate in church show their inner peace by an outward kiss; as a sign of love, as is permitted between husband and wife or as is given and received between friends after a long absence; or as a sign of catholic unity, as is done when a guest is received.
—Spiritual Friendship 2:24
Aelred effectively lays out the various meanings of kissing in the Scriptures, beyond just the physical, without removing the proper place of the physical. And they all have a proper place within spiritual friendship, chiefly of the spiritual.
Now the spiritual kiss belongs to friends who are bound by the one law of friendship. This takes place not through a touch of the mouth but through the attachment of the mind (Aelred, Spec car 1.34.109), not by joining lips but by blending spirits, while the Spirit of God purifies all things (Cf. Pseudo-Ignatius, Ep ad Trallianos 13) and by sharing himself pours in a heavenly flavour. This kiss I would aptly name the kiss of Christ, which he offers, however, through the lips of another, not his own. He inspires in friends that most holy affection, so that to them it seems that there exists but one soul in different bodies, and so they may say with the prophet, see how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to live in unity (Psalm 133:1).
—Spiritual Friendship 2:26
Of course, there may be concern and apprehension as to go about the proper living of these kisses within the spiritual friendship. In one sense, Aelred’s elucidation is simply showing how the theme of kissing in the Scriptures is an apt illustration for the intense unity between friends.
Indeed, much could be said of how every relationship has been corrupted, when kissing itself is seen as sexual (of course, the mouth is not a sexual object at all!). My heart broke when there was supposed scandal over a father kissing his son on the lips, sexualising not only a child (we see how far we have gone) but the familial love and affection.
In the other sense, however, since there are physical kisses which are not rejected from the realm of spiritual friendship, such could be used by fetishists as an over-correction of our degenerate age. The path forward would seem to be the same as all pursuits of virtue with pitfalls on either side: the life of Christ, which is the concrete life of the Church.
But just as many misuse natural goods such as water, fire, iron, food, and air as instruments of cruelty or of pleasure, so perverts and the depraved somehow attempt to sweeten their crimes with a kiss, though natural law established it as a sign of the blessings we mentioned. They defile the kiss itself with such wantonness that their kiss is nothing but adultery. Any honest person knows how much such a kiss should be loathed, abominated, shunned, and rejected.
—Spiritual Friendship 2:25
Carnal Friendship
Seeing how highly exalted spiritual friendship is, we can move to those friendships so called, beginning with carnal friendship. This is the ‘friendship’ of the passions, divorced from reason and consisting wholly of affection. One-night stands are emblematic here. However, it is not necessarily sexual at all!
One can easily think of a friendship which bound by a common enjoyment or pursuit, and it continues as long as the pleasure of the joint activity remains. The modern equivalent may be considered the guy you regularly party with. He is great to be around, fun to hang out with, and may even be reliable in many ways. However, the friendship can only abide as long as the common activity continues and is sufficiently enjoyable. The pursuit of virtue can never be mentioned, at least not in depth, lest the vibe be ruined. This shallow relationship is obviously no friendship at all, and it tends away from true friendships.
The real origin of carnal friendship comes from an affection that, exposing its body to every wayfarer like a harlot (Cf. Ezekiel 16:25; Jerome, Comm Ez 4.16.15.), is led now here, now there, by the lust of its own ears and eyes (Cf. Numbers 15:39.). Through these windows, images of beautiful bodies or of voluptuous objects spring to a mind that thinks it bliss to enjoy them at will, though they are less enjoyable without a companion.
—Spiritual Friendship 1:39
Worldly Friendship
The second kind of faux-friendship is the worldly friendship. This unites two people by achieving a perceived end, and it begins and survives only inasmuch as both are useful to the other in that end. On one hand, there are relationships which resemble worldly friendship which are not necessarily sinful, even though they are primarily transactional. For example, no injustice is wrought by relating to the cashier or salesman only inasmuch as facilitates the transaction. On the other hand, however, those relationships should at least be undergirded by general Christian charity. Worldly friendship is wicked in that it lacks this proper foundation. We recognise this in imprudent and sleezy salesmen, especially when they try to market the relationship as friendship, creating a false sense of familiarity and commeraderie.
When worldly friendship proper is formed, it becomes an opportunity for us of the other, which is often seen in drinking buddies. However, even when basic Christian charity is there, such as with coffee hour friends, it is necessarily casual and does not meet the desire of the heart.
In either situation, while both may share much about themselves, such as work, family life, and hobbies; this only continues while the drinks are good and the location convenient. The main problem here is not the drinking buddy per se. Rather, it becomes a true problem when (1) this is the height of one’s friendships, (2) the heart is shared thus confusing the relationship, and (3) it is not sufficiently grounded upon Christ and thus tends towards vice. However, this type of false friendship is higher than carnal friendship, since it can more easily be turned into something true.
Worldly friendship, begotten of greed for temporal goods or for wealth, is always marked by fraud and deception. Here nothing is reliable, constant, or fixed, for worldly friendship fluctuates with fortune and chases coin (Cf. Ecclesiastes 9:11-12; cf. “The Wanderer” ll. 106-10). Hence it is written, ‘there is a friend who is one when the times suits but will not stand by in your day of trouble’ (Sirach 6:8). Remove his hope of reward, and at once he ceases to be your friend. Someone has satirized such friendship in a neat verse:
One who comes in good fortune and goes in misfortune
Loves not the person but the person’s purse (Ovid, Ex Ponto 2.3.23–24).
—Spiritual Friendship 1:42-43
The Virtue Presented for Us
Upon reflection, it becomes clear how absent and foreign this great virtue is to us. It is not so much opposed but forgotten. In its fulness, it is a category of relationship which is simply not a category in the minds of men today. And we all suffer for it. We misunderstand ourselves and others, and this affects not only our relationships but even how we imagine and live out all our different sorts and relationships. This disordered mindset is seen by a further practical application of spiritual friendship upon our present-day lives, which will be discussed in our next article.